Volume III: You Said What?

Originally I had intended this title to preface a tirade about strange things people say pre, post or during coitus. However, recently I've been hearing many more interesting stories from friends about things said in different stages of the courting and social cycles so I want to focus on those. In fact, most of them have bounced into my ears and my reaction is always one of amazement.

I'm not a normal sized girl.

According to the National Center for Health Statistics, the average height for an adult female is approximately 5' 4" and the average adult male is about 5'9." Let's not even get into weight - that will just depress everyone. Side note: we live in beautiful, health conscious San Diego where everyone is obsessed with always looking perfect and the topic of poundage is incredibly taboo. I happen to be 6'0" (taller than the average woman or man) and several of my friends are dramatically above the mean as well.

And I know this, it's not news.

So when you come up to me and say "Damn, you're tall" what I feel like responding is "No sh*t, Sherlock." Since I don't cuss though, I just say "Yep" and then keep it moving. Guess what; I didn't all the sudden grow since I walked into the club. I've been this height for several years and when I put my heels on tonight I knew I was going to be about 6'4." So what? Do you want me to come up and say "Damn, you're short?" No? Then get a new line.

Another bad one is "You're big." Big? Really? If I were to pull out the statistics on BMI you'd see that I'm really not that "big." To a girl, big is synonymous with fat. Would you ever walk up to a chick and say "Woah girl, you're fat" and expect her to talk to you? I think not.

Let's try expanding your phrasing.

Here are some things I've heard that, while not necessarily flattering, are at least unique:

"Damn, Thickness!" – Said to a friend of mine. I don't know that she was really very excited about it, but at least it was different. Plus, some people like thick chicks, right? P.S. This girl is not at all fat, she's in great shape.

"You're keeping size." – This actually came from a very old man, in his 80s. He said if he'd seen me when he was younger I would have been the one he kept, instead of throwing me back. I actually find this one funny and would *hint, hint* respond to someone who used it to approach me. He said some of his daughters are definitely not "keeping size," they're under 5'10"…

"You got some size on you." – Ironically, said by a guy who is MUCH bigger than me (used to be more so, but those damn steroids). What exactly does this mean? I can't decide if I should be offended or not.

"You two would make good specimens." – Quoted from a mutual friend of the above illuminatorily (yes I just made that word up) challenged guy, about "size on you" guy reproducing with me. Do you think he means that we would have cute children? I think more that he means we would create athletic powerhouses. I don't typically refer to children as specimens, but hey, that's all you.

"Do you have any other friends who like cornbread too?" – How can you tell what kind of food I like just from the fact that I could work you over? Truth is I am not a big fan of corn products in general. Not even cornstarch, which is often an essential ingredient in baking. Why can't it be that I really like steak? Are you afraid you'll offend me if I'm a vegetarian? I'm not a hippie.

I cover my ears; I close my eyes.

Aside from the fact that many guys need a lesson in how to talk to girls over 5'5", they also need to learn how to come at women with conversation that is provocative as opposed to perplexing. Look up the word provocative – it doesn't mean sexual. Things like "Damn girl, your booty is bangin" or "Right now I'm thinking about those long legs wrapped around me" does not catch my attention. Starting out like that will show you why the south part of Gaslamp used to be called "The Stingaree," it was where people could "get stung" faster than by a stingray in the ocean.

Here is how it might play out for the night:

You: "Damn, shorty, how tall are you?"

Me: "About 6 foot."

You: "Ooh, babygirl, and you got heels on. So that makes you what, 6'4"?"

Me: "Something like that." (Can you tell already from my lack of interest that this is going nowhere fast?)

You: "Mmm, mmm, mmm. What you think bout coming back to the pad with us? I'm sure those long legs could use a rest for awhile."

(This man is about to get burned because he shows no respect.)

Me: "Sounds like a good time, but I have to get the people I came with together first. You know I'm a good girl and I can't go anywhere without my friends."

You: "It's all good, I got friends too. How bout I holla at you later when we get out the club? What's your number?"

Me: "I don't have my phone with me. So give me your number and I'll call you from one of my girls' phones."

You: "Ok, you got a pen?"

Me: "No, but I have an excellent memory."

Now here's the kicker. You give me your number and I commit it to memory, just long enough to spit it back at you immediately and if I happen to bump into you later on that night. Do I ever call you? Hell no! And, during this time you've probably bought me a drink so now you're out a few bucks. Why did you get treated that way? Because you think that every girl you meet is naïve and has never met another guy like you before. San Diego is full of men (and women) who think they are unique – none of us are, because all we are used to hearing is false.

Sure, I could have played that a little bit better and stood up for women everywhere be proclaiming that this man is being inappropriate by beginning with sexually suggestive comments and then commanding that he apologize and that he never again speak to a woman with such disrespect for the fairer sex. But come on now, where is the fun in that?

I still hear your voice, and it's telling me lies.

Untruths are abundant in this city. If you head out downtown there are probably several lines you have heard multiple times. Some of the most popular are:

"My cousin plays for the Chargers."

"I used to play ball overseas."

"I work at Qualcomm."

"My boy (fill in the name of someone very well known in San Diego) has a table at (choose the name of some high profile club) and then we're heading over to (drop some other name that everyone in San Diego knows)'s spot for the after party."

One or more of the following negative declarations:

"I was never married."

"I was never in the Navy."

"I don't have any children."

"I've never had a DUI."

"I've never been locked up."

"Coke? I don't get down like that."

Instructions

Guys – Try stepping your game up. Maybe you don't have much in the way of finances or status to offer, but you'd be surprised how much more respect you will gain if you're honest. I would much rather talk to a guy who is real about the fact that he got laid off and is currently living at home, making ends meet by working at Abercrombie while searching for a new job, than some dude who throws out his connections and his money and then can't back any of it up. Why? Because I will always be real with you.

Girls – Don't believe what you hear, or even what you see. Believe what you feel you know is right. Some guy says he has money but you feel that his rocks are fake – they probably are. Some guy says he knows whoever, but whenever you see that person out your guy gets nothing more than a head nod – you were right to be skeptical. However, you need to give the guy who is real a chance. You're right, you are probably not the only girl he is seeing. And he's probably not the only guy you are seeing either. So, you need to be honest with each other and don't try to hide that stuff. San Diego is too small; he will find out and then you will create another bitter man who will just try to put up a front for the next unsuspecting woman.

Comic Relief

This is one of the funniest things I have heard by someone who was trying to talk to me. It happened about four years ago. It doesn't play out well as a story so I will have to record it as dialogue.

Weird guy in the grocery store looking at avocados: "Oh my gosh, hi! I know you are!"

Me: "You do?"

Weirdo: "Yes!"

Me: "Who am I?"

Weirdo: "You're that female golfer."

Me: "I am?"

Weirdo: "Yes! The young one from Hawaii."

Me: "No I'm not."

Weirdo: "Yes you are."

Me: "No, I promise. I'm not."

Weirdo: "Yes you are… but if you aren't, you should really try golfing. I bet you'd be good at it."

This is where I turn and walk away. This guy thinks I'm Michelle Wie? Should I be flattered that I resemble a (at this time) 14 year old Korean girl? And, how would that make me good at golf?

What's next? Probably something about San Diego... the big city that thinks it's a small town.