What is it that makes us do this?
Most people (sleazy men especially) feel the need to voice their opinion that it is "sexual frustration." Who came up with this idea? I often laugh when people tell me this tale of what my love life is lacking. (P.S. Any reference to sex and love as being the same thing should be discarded in real conversation for the obvious reason of sounding like a tool - I use it here only for flow.)
First of all, it's not news - this myth has been around since the invention of adhesive. Secondly, do you, creepy, think that if you tell me this it somehow makes you less repulsive and makes me want to rip my clothes off for a quick fling in the alley behind the bar? Move on, buddy. You're not my type.
Some say it means the peeler is gay. If so, I've been wasting my time - I should have been chasing skirt. Others profess that label peeling tells your fourtune. Peel off the small label around the neck of the bottle, intact? Well then you'll be lucky enough to engage in a little oral later on. Get the ginormous main label off, all in one peice? Well then, there is sex for you tonight, my friend.
I find the most ludicrous of these legends to be that the ability to peel a labely off without so much as a tiny tear is a sure sign of virginity. I believe 99% of the adult population between 21 and dead would disagree.
People used to smoke in bars, it was something to do with their hands. Now (even though we may never have been smokers) we peel. It doesn't mean I am bored or that I don't like who I'm talking to, it just means my fingers need exercise. I'm (some of you might not believe this) very reserved and not overly outgoing with people I don't know well. I find it better to take out my nervous energy on my poor label than to act like an idiot in front of acquantainces. Sue me.
Other activities that get the same response as label peeling include ice chewing, straw chewing, and straw twisting. According to the Mayo Clinic, ice chewing can be a sign of anemia (iron deficiency) in addition to "stress, obsessive-compulsive disorder or a developmental disorder."
I enjoy ripping those labels off the bottle and sticking them to somthing else such as a table, the floor, my friend Madonna... whatever's clever.
Some theories on the urban legend...
Perhaps it comes from the interestingly phallic shape of beer bottles. Did men make these bottles? Do you think they're compensating?
What about playing with coasters or tearing up napkins? Does this indicate frustration, dexterity, anxiety, agitation, ADD? I tend to peel them apart when they get all soggy. Then it helps to tear them up into the smallest pieces possible and make a little mountain out of them. Waitresses hate me.
There is even a poem about peeling by a guy named Francis (silly Irish):
She wastes her playful hands on peeling labels,
Ripping them and sticking them on tables.
A sign of frustration. Mythology.
Rampant hormones. Biology.
I could have said. I could have tried,
To take that young one for a ride.
Did the wine. Forget the dine.
What comes after sixty-nine? (mouth wash)
She's good laugh. She has good looks.
I think I'd like the way she f*ks.
Maybe it's just as well that she said no,
But her rejection stings me so.
For sure there was a real attraction
But how much searching for distraction?
There are tricks to being able to peel a label correctly, and some brands are better for label peeling than others.
For instance, Coors Light works extremely well (though I've not tried the new bottles with the little blue indicator mountains on them, I have a sneaking feeling they might adhere a little better and be difficult to remove). Dos Equis is a favorite, and Miller Chill works well too. Labels that can be a little more difficult include Pacifico and Amstel Light - they come off but need a bit of finessing. Those silly bottles with the plastic labels (Heineken, etc.) come off but it's not really worth the effort. Then there is that damn Corona... painted on. Bastards.
What about a solution?
One suggestion is that you find a good looking member of the opposite sex (or the same sex, if that's what you're into) and tell them about your condition. Perhaps they could help by offering you a little release.
Here is a good reason for label peeling, though one that I doubt I'll use: peel the label off and put it on sideways, upside down, etc. to tell your beer apart from others. I won't use this because I see no reason to set my beer down for long enough periods of time that I would get it confused with a beer belonging to another. My poor beer, all alone on the table, without my hand or my lips. My beer would hate me - it would get warm and flat and become undrinkable. Therefore, to save myself from being detested by the Pacificos at my local watering hole, I will continue to peel my labels and use them for other means than bottle identification.
Perhaps the best solution would be that we all drink more Stella.
(But only if it comes in that cool goblet.)
... at least I don't chew ice.
Keep your eye out for "Confessions of a Label Peeler: Single and Not Sober in San Diego"
Keep your eye out for "Confessions of a Label Peeler: Single and Not Sober in San Diego"
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