Volume IV: Girl on Girl

Girls, did you think we were getting off the hook? Absolutely not. We are to blame for the way men treat us. Not all of us of course, after all I'm sure there are still SOME good girls out there… I just don't know where, certainly not sitting in this chair. I can reassure you constantly that I have a halo, but you know just as well as I do that I'm full of crap.

I'm always there to listen to my guy friends and their girl problems. However, I'm sick of hearing about some of the idiotic things that females do.

Let's begin.

You have to decide what category you want to put yourself in. Let's say you meet some hot guy, you're wasted (again, an important part of the story) and you decide to go home with him. Ok, you're not the first person to have a one night (or multi-night) stand, and you won't be the last. But what do you think about while you're with this man?

I'll give you a hint.

You should not be thinking about how you need to practice your signature with your new last name or how adorable your kids will be as long as they don't have a hairy butt like this guy. You should, instead, be thinking about making sure you're having a good and safe time. You are probably not going to see this man again. He does not have feelings for you. Be honest with yourself, you don't have feelings for him either. Even if you've known him for months and he flirts with you all the time, you have just put yourself in the booty call category.

That's fine. Please be assured, you are not a slut. However, you are not ever going to get out of that category, ever. You have just screwed yourself over… and not in the good way. Well, who knows, maybe it was in the good way. It just depends on what kinds of freaky stuff you and that dude got into.

Do you know his last name? Do you think he knows yours? Even if the answer to both of these questions is yes, don't lie to yourself and pretend like he has feelings for you. What he has is lust. And you are not dating; you're just getting it on. Guess what. That's ok, too. If you want to just be with this person physically, whether it's once in a lifetime or once a week, there is nothing wrong with you. Just realize that is what you're doing and don't try to make it into anything more.

Keep it moving.

If you're not ok having a strictly sexual relationship with someone that does not involve emotion, then you need to turn heel. If you slip up and catch feelings that man is not going to be there for you, and most likely the reverse is true as well. Have a mature conversation with someone for a change and make a decision that you're either going to sleep together… or not. If you don't think you can have sex without developing feelings, or if you think its "dirty" to sleep with someone you don't care about, then – and here's the big news flash – keep your damn pants on!

Is giving a little head a better decision? Maybe. As long as you still understand that you are not this man's girlfriend. He probably was with another girl last weekend and will be with a different one next weekend. Even though you may try to hide it, you are almost assuredly doing the same thing. So get it over! Just be honest. "Hey, buddy. I think you're hot and I really want to have you come back to my place, but it's just sex and it's just for tonight. I'm seeing other people and I'm completely content with you doing the same. Cool?"

Not a hard conversation to have. You may even develop a friendship or decide that you want to mess around again some time. More power to you, as long as you know that you have no right to get jealous if you see him out with someone else, or if he never calls you. He is not your man. Don't forget… always wrap it up!

Stop playing into the stereotype of the girl that no man wants.

Men do not respect us when they think we are after them for anything other than their personality, sense of humor, or intelligence. My male friends have shared some very interesting stories with me of things that stupid women have done that have had them in awe of how shallow some females can be.

Lessons

1. Never ask a man what he does when you first meet him. This is akin to asking how much he makes. Why do you care how much he makes? You are not dating his Benjamins. If you like him it is probably because he is intelligent and motivated, which means he is capable of earning a living. Instead, ask him what kinds of things he likes to do on the weekends, where he likes to vacation, what spots he really enjoys around town, and which sports he follows. Most men have these things called "hobbies" that do not include shopping, personal grooming, or talking on the phone.
   
2. Do not try to find out what kind of car he has/what kind of watch he is wearing/whether or not his shoes are designer/etc. Those material items are transitory. When he is at risk of losing his house in the failing mortgage market his car may be one of the first things he gets rid of. Watches break, and shoes wear out. Find out where he grew up and if he is close to his friends and family from back home. Those things will tell you much more about him.
   
3. Avoid telling him something along the lines of "I'm the hottest girl in this place and I think you should buy me a drink." First of all, this is San Diego. It is absolutely impossible for you to be the hottest girl in the club – a new dime walks in the door every 3.4 minutes. Secondly, are you a broke alcoholic? Buy your own drink unless he offers you one. Asking someone to buy you a drink is sooooooo out. If you really want to impress him say something like "I'm going to get a drink, would you like anything?" And then have the cash to back it up – don't hope that he's going to say no or offer you one instead. He probably will, but don't expect it!
   
4. At all costs, never ever approach him with a line that one of my friends received last weekend. "You're a big guy, do you play in the NFL?" Are you kidding me? If you really want to get hooked up with a ball player, I will help you out. Just be prepared – if you act like a groupie, you're going to get treated like a groupie. And if you ask random people if they are professional athletes, that's exactly what you look like - a jersey chasing groupie.
   

Please, stop committing these social sins. We are ruining the dating scene for ourselves and for all of the other females who are just out there to have a good time, and not to juice hard-working and well intentioned men. Of course there are dogs and dirt bags out there, you have my permission to treat these men as such and to make sure that they get theirs, worthless lying bastards. (No bitterness, right? Kidding!) Sure, I've been guilty of different faux pas from time to time… but I've learned from my mistakes and I'm here to share my knowledge with the world (or at least the MySpace and blogging communities.)

Look out for each other.

We see some girl out at the club and we don't think she's hot. So what? Everyone is attracted to someone different. There is a man out there who thinks she is gorgeous. I bet there are men out there who think each of us are unattractive, deal with it.

If you see your friend making a bad decision, let her know. You don't have to let her get in that car when you know she's had a few too many. If you don't trust the people she's going home with, let her know. It's up to her whether or not she wants to listen to you. If she doesn't, oh well at least you tried.

Here's my favorite – just because you see some girl talking to some guy in the bar, does not mean they are sleeping together. It doesn't mean they're dating, it doesn't even mean they have or are going to exchange phone numbers. Most likely, they're just talking and being friendly. And for you to go around behind her back and tell people that she is messing around with him, just makes you look like a dumb jealous slut. The end. :)

Ladies, step ya game up!

My fingers are tired from typing two novels in the past two days so it may be awhile before you see "Confessions of a Label-Peeler: Too Many Big Fish."

Volume III: You Said What?

Originally I had intended this title to preface a tirade about strange things people say pre, post or during coitus. However, recently I've been hearing many more interesting stories from friends about things said in different stages of the courting and social cycles so I want to focus on those. In fact, most of them have bounced into my ears and my reaction is always one of amazement.

I'm not a normal sized girl.

According to the National Center for Health Statistics, the average height for an adult female is approximately 5' 4" and the average adult male is about 5'9." Let's not even get into weight - that will just depress everyone. Side note: we live in beautiful, health conscious San Diego where everyone is obsessed with always looking perfect and the topic of poundage is incredibly taboo. I happen to be 6'0" (taller than the average woman or man) and several of my friends are dramatically above the mean as well.

And I know this, it's not news.

So when you come up to me and say "Damn, you're tall" what I feel like responding is "No sh*t, Sherlock." Since I don't cuss though, I just say "Yep" and then keep it moving. Guess what; I didn't all the sudden grow since I walked into the club. I've been this height for several years and when I put my heels on tonight I knew I was going to be about 6'4." So what? Do you want me to come up and say "Damn, you're short?" No? Then get a new line.

Another bad one is "You're big." Big? Really? If I were to pull out the statistics on BMI you'd see that I'm really not that "big." To a girl, big is synonymous with fat. Would you ever walk up to a chick and say "Woah girl, you're fat" and expect her to talk to you? I think not.

Let's try expanding your phrasing.

Here are some things I've heard that, while not necessarily flattering, are at least unique:

"Damn, Thickness!" – Said to a friend of mine. I don't know that she was really very excited about it, but at least it was different. Plus, some people like thick chicks, right? P.S. This girl is not at all fat, she's in great shape.

"You're keeping size." – This actually came from a very old man, in his 80s. He said if he'd seen me when he was younger I would have been the one he kept, instead of throwing me back. I actually find this one funny and would *hint, hint* respond to someone who used it to approach me. He said some of his daughters are definitely not "keeping size," they're under 5'10"…

"You got some size on you." – Ironically, said by a guy who is MUCH bigger than me (used to be more so, but those damn steroids). What exactly does this mean? I can't decide if I should be offended or not.

"You two would make good specimens." – Quoted from a mutual friend of the above illuminatorily (yes I just made that word up) challenged guy, about "size on you" guy reproducing with me. Do you think he means that we would have cute children? I think more that he means we would create athletic powerhouses. I don't typically refer to children as specimens, but hey, that's all you.

"Do you have any other friends who like cornbread too?" – How can you tell what kind of food I like just from the fact that I could work you over? Truth is I am not a big fan of corn products in general. Not even cornstarch, which is often an essential ingredient in baking. Why can't it be that I really like steak? Are you afraid you'll offend me if I'm a vegetarian? I'm not a hippie.

I cover my ears; I close my eyes.

Aside from the fact that many guys need a lesson in how to talk to girls over 5'5", they also need to learn how to come at women with conversation that is provocative as opposed to perplexing. Look up the word provocative – it doesn't mean sexual. Things like "Damn girl, your booty is bangin" or "Right now I'm thinking about those long legs wrapped around me" does not catch my attention. Starting out like that will show you why the south part of Gaslamp used to be called "The Stingaree," it was where people could "get stung" faster than by a stingray in the ocean.

Here is how it might play out for the night:

You: "Damn, shorty, how tall are you?"

Me: "About 6 foot."

You: "Ooh, babygirl, and you got heels on. So that makes you what, 6'4"?"

Me: "Something like that." (Can you tell already from my lack of interest that this is going nowhere fast?)

You: "Mmm, mmm, mmm. What you think bout coming back to the pad with us? I'm sure those long legs could use a rest for awhile."

(This man is about to get burned because he shows no respect.)

Me: "Sounds like a good time, but I have to get the people I came with together first. You know I'm a good girl and I can't go anywhere without my friends."

You: "It's all good, I got friends too. How bout I holla at you later when we get out the club? What's your number?"

Me: "I don't have my phone with me. So give me your number and I'll call you from one of my girls' phones."

You: "Ok, you got a pen?"

Me: "No, but I have an excellent memory."

Now here's the kicker. You give me your number and I commit it to memory, just long enough to spit it back at you immediately and if I happen to bump into you later on that night. Do I ever call you? Hell no! And, during this time you've probably bought me a drink so now you're out a few bucks. Why did you get treated that way? Because you think that every girl you meet is naïve and has never met another guy like you before. San Diego is full of men (and women) who think they are unique – none of us are, because all we are used to hearing is false.

Sure, I could have played that a little bit better and stood up for women everywhere be proclaiming that this man is being inappropriate by beginning with sexually suggestive comments and then commanding that he apologize and that he never again speak to a woman with such disrespect for the fairer sex. But come on now, where is the fun in that?

I still hear your voice, and it's telling me lies.

Untruths are abundant in this city. If you head out downtown there are probably several lines you have heard multiple times. Some of the most popular are:

"My cousin plays for the Chargers."

"I used to play ball overseas."

"I work at Qualcomm."

"My boy (fill in the name of someone very well known in San Diego) has a table at (choose the name of some high profile club) and then we're heading over to (drop some other name that everyone in San Diego knows)'s spot for the after party."

One or more of the following negative declarations:

"I was never married."

"I was never in the Navy."

"I don't have any children."

"I've never had a DUI."

"I've never been locked up."

"Coke? I don't get down like that."

Instructions

Guys – Try stepping your game up. Maybe you don't have much in the way of finances or status to offer, but you'd be surprised how much more respect you will gain if you're honest. I would much rather talk to a guy who is real about the fact that he got laid off and is currently living at home, making ends meet by working at Abercrombie while searching for a new job, than some dude who throws out his connections and his money and then can't back any of it up. Why? Because I will always be real with you.

Girls – Don't believe what you hear, or even what you see. Believe what you feel you know is right. Some guy says he has money but you feel that his rocks are fake – they probably are. Some guy says he knows whoever, but whenever you see that person out your guy gets nothing more than a head nod – you were right to be skeptical. However, you need to give the guy who is real a chance. You're right, you are probably not the only girl he is seeing. And he's probably not the only guy you are seeing either. So, you need to be honest with each other and don't try to hide that stuff. San Diego is too small; he will find out and then you will create another bitter man who will just try to put up a front for the next unsuspecting woman.

Comic Relief

This is one of the funniest things I have heard by someone who was trying to talk to me. It happened about four years ago. It doesn't play out well as a story so I will have to record it as dialogue.

Weird guy in the grocery store looking at avocados: "Oh my gosh, hi! I know you are!"

Me: "You do?"

Weirdo: "Yes!"

Me: "Who am I?"

Weirdo: "You're that female golfer."

Me: "I am?"

Weirdo: "Yes! The young one from Hawaii."

Me: "No I'm not."

Weirdo: "Yes you are."

Me: "No, I promise. I'm not."

Weirdo: "Yes you are… but if you aren't, you should really try golfing. I bet you'd be good at it."

This is where I turn and walk away. This guy thinks I'm Michelle Wie? Should I be flattered that I resemble a (at this time) 14 year old Korean girl? And, how would that make me good at golf?

What's next? Probably something about San Diego... the big city that thinks it's a small town.

Volume II: Single and Not Sober in San Diego

Note to reader: The following is a collection of thoughts and stories from friends, it should not be assumed that this is about me, per se... I've never even been to Johnny V's.

A friend of mine from San Diego said to me recently that if a girl doesn't put out by the third date that she's not worth his time. I was shocked by his brazen disregard for social norms!

After all… who in San Diego dates?

Last time I checked, no one in So Cal actually "dated." I mean, maybe it happens in the movies or on TV or in strange places like the Midwest, but out here? Not so much.

In the olden days, at least… I don't know… five years ago, people who didn't know each other very well used to spend afternoons or evenings together talking and engaging in other enjoyable activities so that they would become more familiar with one another, in order to see if there was an interest on behalf of both parties in someday becoming a "couple." (I feel like Dr. Evil, "laser.") Perhaps other areas of the country still practice this peculiar institution of courting, but out here, the Westside is the best side, we have developed a new process for screening possible mates.

San Diego is a singles town.

Not because there are so many things for single people to do here, but because everyone in San Diego seems to be single. Even if they are married, they're single. Kind of like how no one in San Diego works. Have you ever noticed that? The bars are packed every night. People start Happy Hour at 4 PM on weekdays and they stay out late because they're not worried about when they have to get into work the next morning. The freeways are always crowded; there is never any parking. However, everyone here is also rich (or at least they'd have you believe so).

They wear something new to the club every week; they take trips to Vegas on a whim and get bottle service at high class bars. How do these people that don't seem to do anything afford so much? Let's face it. We live in an expensive city with over-priced homes where everyone drives nice cars and can take off in the middle of the week for opening day at the races where they get to wear silly hats and revel in the joys of public intoxication. It makes no sense.

I digress.

Dating, back to that. "San Diego is a singles town," that's where I left off. Other than Tuesday nights (the lamest night of the week to go out), most evenings seem to be for the unattached. Let's pretend that you are a girl. This might not be hard for some of you if you have two X chromosomes. You go out to a bar and you look smokin' hot… and you're wasted (that's an important part of the story). You meet some dudes, probably not men – just dudes. You exchange numbers and within the next week you've had a call or a text from some of those guys. One of them might suggest something like "Hey, I'd like to see you again. Let's go out sometime."

What does this dude mean by that? Let me decipher.

"Hey": I forgot your name because I was so drunk when I met you, but I saved you into my phone under "F*ckable Chick Johnny V's September 1st.

"I'd like to see you again": Naked, I'd like to see you naked.

"Let's go out sometime": I'll take you to Confidential for bottle service because I don't have a job but I can somehow afford extravagant things, and then let's go back to my apartment for which my parents pay the rent and have 'the sex.'

After a few encounters with this dude, the two usually say that they are "dating". Let's be honest. You're not really dating, you're "So Cal Dating." Then you "break up," which only means that the chick said she wasn't willing to try anal and you've found out that you actually have nothing in common. That's how it works here. Instead of meeting someone and then talking and getting to know each other over the phone and perhaps going out to dinner or a movie, we go out for drinks and little somethin' somethin'.

Is this wrong?

Well, your mom probably wouldn't like it. But who cares? You're young, live a little. Just remember that whoever you're So Cal Dating is probably So Cal Dating a few other people as well.

Is alcohol a big influence in So Cal Dating?

You bet your Red Bull Vodka it is. However, there's no use crying over spilled beer (unless of course it's Chimay because that stuff is expensive). So, unless you want to ruin everyone's fun by being "sober," get over it; go join the American Temperance Society and leave the rest of the drunkards to those of use who know how to have a good time.

Cheers!

Coming up next... "Confessions of a Label-Peeler: You said what?"

Volume I: Myth or Reality

Are you like me? You enter your favorite drinking establishment, you order a fantastically cold beer, you savor the crisp flavor and feel the icy goodness trickle down the back of your throat, you are smiling and talking with friends and then you realize - quite out of the blue - that you have already torn half the label off the bottle.

What is it that makes us do this?

Most people (sleazy men especially) feel the need to voice their opinion that it is "sexual frustration." Who came up with this idea? I often laugh when people tell me this tale of what my love life is lacking. (P.S. Any reference to sex and love as being the same thing should be discarded in real conversation for the obvious reason of sounding like a tool - I use it here only for flow.)


First of all, it's not news - this myth has been around since the invention of adhesive. Secondly, do you, creepy, think that if you tell me this it somehow makes you less repulsive and makes me want to rip my clothes off for a quick fling in the alley behind the bar? Move on, buddy. You're not my type.


Some say it means the peeler is gay. If so, I've been wasting my time - I should have been chasing skirt. Others profess that label peeling tells your fourtune. Peel off the small label around the neck of the bottle, intact? Well then you'll be lucky enough to engage in a little oral later on. Get the ginormous main label off, all in one peice? Well then, there is sex for you tonight, my friend.


I find the most ludicrous of these legends to be that the ability to peel a labely off without so much as a tiny tear is a sure sign of virginity. I believe 99% of the adult population between 21 and dead would disagree.


People used to smoke in bars, it was something to do with their hands. Now (even though we may never have been smokers) we peel. It doesn't mean I am bored or that I don't like who I'm talking to, it just means my fingers need exercise. I'm (some of you might not believe this) very reserved and not overly outgoing with people I don't know well. I find it better to take out my nervous energy on my poor label than to act like an idiot in front of acquantainces. Sue me.


Other activities that get the same response as label peeling include ice chewing, straw chewing, and straw twisting. According to the Mayo Clinic, ice chewing can be a sign of anemia (iron deficiency) in addition to "stress, obsessive-compulsive disorder or a developmental disorder."


I enjoy ripping those labels off the bottle and sticking them to somthing else such as a table, the floor, my friend Madonna... whatever's clever.

Some theories on the urban legend...

"It probably stems from the fact that most people see the act of peeling the paper label off a bottle as a sign of anxiety and a lot of people also believe sex relieves anxiety... ergo, if you're peeling the labels you're obviously not getting laid." - Random person, I like it because it uses my favorite word ergo.

Perhaps it comes from the interestingly phallic shape of beer bottles. Did men make these bottles? Do you think they're compensating?

"Picking labels indicates a manually dexterous individual, an individual who has recently quit smoking or somebody who is just really really bored by the poor excuse for company that they are having to endure." - Another random person, I agree with the idea of manual dexterity (you should see me speed type) but not so much with the boredom thing.

What about playing with coasters or tearing up napkins? Does this indicate frustration, dexterity, anxiety, agitation, ADD? I tend to peel them apart when they get all soggy. Then it helps to tear them up into the smallest pieces possible and make a little mountain out of them. Waitresses hate me.

There is even a poem about peeling by a guy named Francis (silly Irish):

She wastes her playful hands on peeling labels,

Ripping them and sticking them on tables.

A sign of frustration. Mythology.

Rampant hormones. Biology.

I could have said. I could have tried,

To take that young one for a ride.

Did the wine. Forget the dine.

What comes after sixty-nine? (mouth wash)

She's good laugh. She has good looks.

I think I'd like the way she f*ks.

Maybe it's just as well that she said no,

But her rejection stings me so.

For sure there was a real attraction

But how much searching for distraction?

There are tricks to being able to peel a label correctly, and some brands are better for label peeling than others.

For instance, Coors Light works extremely well (though I've not tried the new bottles with the little blue indicator mountains on them, I have a sneaking feeling they might adhere a little better and be difficult to remove). Dos Equis is a favorite, and Miller Chill works well too. Labels that can be a little more difficult include Pacifico and Amstel Light - they come off but need a bit of finessing. Those silly bottles with the plastic labels (Heineken, etc.) come off but it's not really worth the effort. Then there is that damn Corona... painted on. Bastards.

What about a solution?

One suggestion is that you find a good looking member of the opposite sex (or the same sex, if that's what you're into) and tell them about your condition. Perhaps they could help by offering you a little release.

Here is a good reason for label peeling, though one that I doubt I'll use: peel the label off and put it on sideways, upside down, etc. to tell your beer apart from others. I won't use this because I see no reason to set my beer down for long enough periods of time that I would get it confused with a beer belonging to another. My poor beer, all alone on the table, without my hand or my lips. My beer would hate me - it would get warm and flat and become undrinkable. Therefore, to save myself from being detested by the Pacificos at my local watering hole, I will continue to peel my labels and use them for other means than bottle identification.

Perhaps the best solution would be that we all drink more Stella.

(But only if it comes in that cool goblet.)

... at least I don't chew ice.

Keep your eye out for "Confessions of a Label Peeler: Single and Not Sober in San Diego"