Science was birthed from man’s undying quest to explain the heretofore unexplained. (Ooh, did you see that big word? “Heretofore”… who says that?) Before the invention of Wikipedia, people would research and explore theories which they wished to either prove or disprove. They would formulate wild experiments, at the risk of appearing insane, to discover the answer to a question which had yet to be conquered. It should be noted that religion evolved from the same search for truth.
Now we have Google.
Chances are someone else has already figured out whatever it is your pretty little head wants to know and with a few clicks, you too can benefit from their knowledge. The final thing it seems we have left to discover is ourselves, and why the hell we’re so goddamned fucked up.
Instead of working on you though, I bet you’d rather work on me. You’d rather dissect me and break me down and try to explain what I’m about and why I do what I do and what I don’t. I agree, it’s way more simple to do me than you. Wait, that came out wrong. I swear I’m not easy. By the way, I’m a filthy liar… Or am I? Maybe we should play a game. No, not six degrees again, I promise. This time let’s play true or false. Doesn’t sound like fun to you? That’s only because you haven’t thought of all the possibilities!
You should try playing with yourself sometime… and you can even play with yourself at the same time. I crack myself up! Just kidding, kind of. Here’s the premise: No one in the world knows the whole truth about you, except you. Other people, in order to take attention from themselves and ease it on down the road, try to come up with their own explanation for your behavior. Pretty much they simply can’t deal with unknowns. Also they do this because they are cold heartless bastards.
Cold.
Heartless.
Bastards.
AKA “Haters,” a wonderful urban word used to describe people who spread lies and half-truths for their own benefit. The proliferation of these fantastical and often elaborate creations is commonly referred to as “talking shit.” Or, for the whitest of white people out there, “spreading rumors.”
Now, why, you may ask, would someone want to spread rumors about me? And by this me I mean me, not you. People do this when they either see someone being rewarded, or punished, for an act which is not readily explained by general observation. For instance, I became very immersed in “The Scene” very quickly. I jumped from oblivion to VIP exclusivity almost instantaneously. Or at least that’s how it seems to some people, hence, ergo, or some other infrequently used word… rumors.
So let’s get to it.
True or False, The Brady Method way.
I will address some of the things I’ve heard about myself and let you know their origin and their position on the “Scale of Truth.” Does that sound ominous and authoritative? I hope so, it was the best I could do. Maybe if I add lightening bolts and thunder claps it would be way cooler. Oh well, whatevs.
Disclaimer: I am not the only person about whom rumors are spread. I simply cannot address rumors about other people because only they can do that. I can only speak honestly about me.
This is probably the realest you’ve ever seen me. Remember: don’t ever ask a question you don’t want to know the answer to. Can you handle the truth?
1. My boobs are fake - You’s a lie
I’ve had these damn things this same damn size since I was 15. I simply have really good bras that do what they're supposed to do, lift and seperate. And the only surgery I’ve ever had was to remove my wisdom teeth… Next.
2. I used to be a man - Absolutely not
I heard this one for the first time in Vegas a few years ago. I can understand it. I’m tall, not exactly skinny, and I have a very strong jaw. However, I’ve definitely never had that surgery, I don’t take hormones of any kind, and all my exes will tell you I can PMS with the best of them.
3. I am an FBI agent - Impossible
Let’s get one thing out of the way: Only college graduates are eligible for employment by our nation’s Federal Bureau of Investigation. And since I was acomplete fuck up and never finished school (even after seven years - yeah, I know, no lectures please) I could not possibly be a Special Agent.
4. I am a cop/DEA agent - Nope
One more thing you should know about me is that I absolutely refuse to exercise. I hate it. I think it’s a waste of time, and all it does is make you sweaty and smelly. Sure, I may die 30 years before the rest of you, but at least I don’t stink. There is no chance in hell I would ever pass a law enforcement physical, therefore I am not a cop or DEA agent.
5. I am an informant - Never
The only officers I ever talk to are the ones I have to flirt with in order to get out of traffic tickets. (I really hope I'm not jinxing myself with this one.)
6. The FBI (or other agency) was photographing my birthday party - How the hell would I know if that’s true or not?
Word on the street is that there is police presence at most popular clubs in most cities in the country, looking for underagers and drug sales/use. Since my birthday party was held at a club, one could surmise that perhaps there was a police presence at the club that day.
However, I didn’t invite only people that have questionable records, I invited almost everyone on the face of the Earth. I really have no clue as to whether or not there were people taking pictures at my party for use by police. It’s not like the head of National Security hit me up on the iPhone to ask permission to shoot candids.
Side note: You may be curious as to why there are all these references to law enforcement, etc. Well first, let me warn you, you’re probably going to read many more things a little further along that will shock and amaze you. Second, I’ll just say this… San Diego, and nightlife in general, can be very expensive. It can be difficult to survive here, make a name for yourself, and roll with the big dogs without having various sources of income.
7. I’m a groupie - Hints of glimpses of shimmers of the truth
I have been involved with more than one current or former professional athlete. The one I was closest with you’ve probably never met and you definitely never saw us together. He proposed marriage, and I refused. Here’s the kicker… we never even had sex. I know… shocked and amazed. Funny thing was I had no idea he was an athlete when I met him. I just found his apperance, his confidence, and his assertiveness very attractive.
I don’t know how many times I need to remind you, but I’m freakishly tall and not exactly thin. I like men to make me feel feminine. In other words, they need to be bigger than me. Try finding very many men who are 6’3” plus, with large muscular builds, handsome, and with a little swagga that aren’t involved in sports. It’s difficult. Believe me, I’ve tried! I’m not gonna lie, it’s incredibly flattering to know that someone who could almost be considered famous finds you beautiful and sexy.
Buuuut, I would never get involved with someone strictly because of their contract. That comes with more problems than it solves. And when sports are over, what are you left with? Often, not much. Sure, I’ve talked to and exchanged numbers, even gone out with, a select few sports figures, but I’ve been much more interested in finding another guy that fits what I’m looking for and doesn’t have to run around after a ball, touching other men’s asses, to make a living.
8. I’m a status junkie - Semi-true-ish
I’ve significantly limited the places I go and people I hang out with recently. Not because I don’t like other people, places, and things, but because sometimes I just get tired of a lot of the other bullshit. I was lucky enough (or perhaps unlucky enough, depending on how you see it) to be accepted by some of the cool crowd. You know, the Big Fish.
Since lately I’ve been in that “I don’t feel like exerting energy to meet new people” mode, that leaves only the people I already know for me to socialize with. If you think that means I’ve gained status, then I can see why you’d think this is true. Reality is that it is more of a side effect than an impetus.
9. I’m into juicing guys - Wrong again
When I first heard this I had to ask someone what it meant. I’m pretty savvy, but “juicing” someone just wasn’t a term I was familiar with. I was told that it meant I tried to squeeze men for their money. Ah, if only that was the case. Then I might have a nicer car, a bigger apartment that I lived in without a roommate, and a pair of shoes that cost more than your new plasma TV.
Alas, I have a very difficult time accepting money or gifts from men and this has, really and truly, caused problems in some of my past relationships. Yes, I will accept dinners and drinks, but I don’t often accept when I’m offered extravagant vacations, houses, pets, furniture, cars, jewelry, cash, wardrobes, etc.
I think I’ve taken people up on three quick trips, but I always pay as much of my own way as I can reasonably afford, and I’ve taken only a little bit of money when someone else caused me to spend something I didn’t have, i.e. when you and I talked and texted too much and I went waaaaaaaay over my minutes and you paid half of my cell phone bill.
10. I have a big ego - Neutral
True, I am really good at giving off the impression that I think I’m pretty fucking fabulous. And the mere fact that I decided to write an entire dissertation on myself may give the wrong impression. On the inside though, I am just like everyone else. In fact, I’m probably even worse than most because I am a huge dork.
I am incredibly self-conscious and I often worry a lot about what other people think - especially about my weight and my lack of funds. Going along with the whole dork thing, I’m always scared I’m going to say something ridiculously lame. I do though, think that I have pretty amazing hair, a decent face, and nice boobs, along with excellent flirting skills and a cute smile.
11. I smoke a lot of weed - Nada
Actually, I don’t do drugs of any kind. Not to say I’m completely sinless, just that I don’t get down like that now. I think the reason a lot of people suspect that I smoke is that at times I can be really, really quiet and not speak for hours. And because sometimes I’m just so damn mellow that people assume I must be high.
12. I sell drugs - Nope
Never done it. Don’t plan on it. Not interested.
13. I am a prostitute or escort - So wrong
Yes, sometimes I dress… whorish… and I may even know some people in the sex industry, but I’m not my clothes, and I’m not my acquaintances. Just like the drug thing, I’ve never done it and I don’t suspect I ever will. I think this rumor is something that has been said about pretty much every girl out in The Scene, even if she’s heinous. As long is she is seen “out” with some frequency and gets into the VIP, or doesn’t have to wait in line, or is seen conversing with certain people. It is assumed that she must be hoe-ing, which is, by the way, an excellent verb.
Also, I’ve said two things in my life that have been quoted back at me as evidence for me being a prostitute. Thing one: “I’m going to Vegas for the weekend for work.” The work I was talking about was filming the movie I was working on - not selling sex. Thing two: “I’m going to Phoenix for the Super Bowl.” When I said this I had absolutely no idea that one of the reasons some girls go to the Super Bowl is to make a little extra cake. I went there to visit my grandpa, my cousins, and some friends. I came back with less money than I left with and never went to one single party. Did I prostitute there? Noooooooo!
14. My friends are escorts or prostitutes - Not that I know of
If any of my friends are doing that, I am not at all aware of it. Yes, I know some girls who have worked/do work in that industry, but it’s not like we call each other on the phone. They are people whom I’ve met, and whose company I enjoyed. I’ve never met a hooker I didn’t like. What someone wants to do with their own body is up to them, I really don’t care. However, the girls you see me out with make money the old fashioned way: with a full-time job and a W-2.
15. I’m a madam - Negatory
How could I be a madam if I’ve never been an escort? Pretty much impossible.
16. I have a house in Rancho Santa Fe - If only!
The closest I’ve ever come to living in Rancho Santa Fe was when I lived in Encinitas. Other than that, I’ve babysat there. That’s about it. Some people seem to think that I have a mansion there at which I have extravagant parties that only the wealthiest and most attractive people are invited to. Seriously people, who do you think I am? Heidi Fleiss?
17. “The Brady Method” refers to fellatio - I wish!
Wouldn’t it be great if I had a whole sex act named after me? Sadly, that is not the case, sigh. “The Brady Method” has absolutely nothing to do with sex, it has to do with my hair. And that’s enough, I don’t want to completely spoil it for you!
18. I give good head - ???
How would I know? It’s not like I can perform it on myself!
19. I went more than 5 years without sex - 100% True
I was in a relationship with someone I absolutely loved and adored and I honored his request that we abstain from sex while together. It was difficult, but completely worth it… mostly because it makes a good story. (Kidding)
20. I’m an alcoholic - Somewhat true
I drink a lot. I drink a lot of beer. I like Bud Light. I have a bottle of Bud next to me right now. I can pretty much drink like a sailor sometimes and I like to drink often. Puritans may classify it as alcoholism, I like to call it being thirsty.
21. I was a Charger Girl - Sadly, no
I did audition for a dance troupe that was to perform at the Super Bowl pre-game show when I was in high school. I didn’t make it. Stop rubbing it in.
22. I was a Pussy Cat Doll - No, wouldn’t that be awesome?
Oh how I wish I could say that. That would be soooooo much fun. This rumor actually started at the school I used to work at. Several of the students were under the impression that I had come there straight out of Vegas. Some of the boys' basketball team also seemed to think that I had an identical twin sister. I have no idea why.
23. I used to coach cheerleading - Absolutely!
I loved every minute of it and I miss it terribly.
24. I used to teach - Basically true
I wasn't credentialed, but I did teach private instruction courses is advanced math, chemistry, English, History, and religion.
25. I used to do porn - Never
I hardly even like taking my clothes off in front of someone I’m dating, do you think I would do it on camera? Fat chance. I did date a guy who nicknamed me porn star once though, that was kind of fun.
26. I’m sleeping with ______ - Only one circumstance could be true right now
I’ve been seeing the same guy for several months and he’s the only one I’m involved with. So, unless you’re filling in the blank with his name, you’re wrong.
27. I sleep with my friend’s husbands - Ew
Why would I do that? Yes, I have a lot of male friends. And yes, several of them have girlfriends or wives that I know. Since, however, their girlfriends and wives are my friends, that makes them off limits. Duh.
28. I cheat on my boyfriend - Untrue
People seem to think that because I have male friends, and because I am seen out in public with them, that I absolutely must be sleeping with these guys.Not so. If I am in an exclusive relationship, then that is what it is: exclusive. That means not dating other people. End of story.
29. My nationality is _______ - Depends
Where do you think I look like I'm from? A lot of people think I’m mixed, black and white, or they think I’m Italian or Puerto Rican or Brazilian or whatever. I think I look to be almost exactly what I am: white with a tinge of brownness. In this case, it’s Native American.
30. I'm mean - Damn straight
Just kidding, I’m only mean sometimes. And typically it’s when I am sober and everyone else is wasted and someone steps on my foot, runs into me, or tries consistently to hit on me when I’ve made it abundantly clear that I’m not interested. I’m here to learn people, not to make out with you. Most people will tell you that I’m actually very nice, I get along with almost everyone, and the toughness is just a front. I haven’t been in a fight yet.
31. I have major beef with a gang of groupie hairdressers - Yes-ish
For some reason there is one girl who has a whole bunch of hairdresser friends that doesn’t seem to like me very much. However, I think it is a case of mistaken identity. She tried to have me thrown out of Belo in November 2007 for standing too close to her… and she was wasted. I haven’t seen or heard anything about it since though so I think we’re ok now. At least I hope so. She might come and cut off my hair at the club one night or something. That would suck.
Did I miss anything?
If so, please let me know. I'm cool to answer pretty much any question you have - within reason. Isn't it amazing how silly some of these things get? I've heard so many stupid things about good people that now I just laugh. For instance: I'm sure, without a doubt, that my boss is not an international arms dealer. Just an example.
Think about the things people say about you and how you feel about it. Then think about the things you say about other people and what a fucking idiotyou sound like when it's so obvious that those things are lies. And then... keep my name out of your poisonous, fanged, troll of a mouth.
Love you. :)
What should I write about next? What are your suggestions? I was thinking the obsession with money and material things in the nightlife scene, or maybe (since I just went on one) the dynamics of the Pacific Beach pub crawl, ooh... or perhaps I could discuss the peanut. It's neither a pea, nor a nut, discuss.
No comments:
Post a Comment